It’s Not Cold, It’s Bracing Darling!

One hot summer's day, the English Channel beckoned,
It looked so calm and blue but it was colder than I'd reckoned,
I'd braved the stones to get there, coz round here shingle's all we've got,
Marginally less painful than Lego but frankly, not by a lot.
I must look on the bright side though, when comparing it to sand, 
It doesn't get stuck in my unmentionables when I get back on land,
The chafing caused by tiny grains can hang around for days, 
An unwanted memento of sunny holidays. 
But now, an English heatwave wave is causing me to crave, 
A cooling sea to swim in, so I thought that I'd be brave, 
I did the prep that's needed before a swimsuit I could don, 
I made sure all unwanted hair, was waxed and shaved and gone,
I made sure my bikini line wasn't showing any pubes,
And picked a brand-new swimsuit with support in for my boobs,
I used to wear bikinis when I was young and slim, 
But now I need a one piece to hold in excess skin,
My mother's apron hangs like a deflated exercise ball, 
If I wore a bikini you wouldn't see the bottom half at all,
So I struggle into my one piece which holds it all in tight, 
I can manage when it's dry but when it's wet it's such a fight,
So now I’m ready to go swimming, nothing can stop me now,
I go striding through the waves as fast as the current will allow.
I’m trying to convince those back on shore, that it’s really not that chilly,
It’s a good job that I’m not a bloke, coz you’d never find my willy,
Instead, my genitalia have gone completely numb,
And I’m getting pins and needles from clenching tight my bum,
The cold it takes my breath away, I’m trying not to scream,
I thought the English Channel was warmed by the Gulf Stream?
That’s what they said in geography, that bloody teacher lied,
My nipples have now gone so hard they’ve practically calcified.
They are standing out like organ stops and I’ve barely got them wet,
I haven’t even managed to get my shoulders under yet.
I’m jumping up and down as each wave rolls on in,
Trying to stop the icy sea from touching exposed skin,
I’ve got my arms above my head, pretending that I’m waving,
Oh blow, I had forgotten that my armpits needed shaving!
It’s no good, I’m going to have try my very best,
To dunk my shoulders under without cardiac arrest,
I take the plunge and go for it, so the swimming can begin,
And to anyone else who’s coming out, I shout “it’s lovely once you’re in!”